"When I am PROPERLY loved"

A talk by Rhondell given mid-1980s in Mesa, Arizona
The nature of "boys & girls"

So today weíre going to talk about one of the very fundamentals of the nature of boys and girls or male-female humans. Basically this information hasnít been put out before, and it may never be put out again, so you better listen!

The Complaint

In order to kind of introduced the effects of not knowing about it, weíre going to let Miss Katie Lee sing you a song on what her complaint is because this isnít known. So weíll first start with Miss Katie Leeís Song. Okay?

Lyrics: "When I am PROPERLY Loved" by Katie Lee

"I may have grown a trifle hard, a bit unkind and calloused, but I donít need some psychiatry. I understand whatís wrong with me. I have never been properly loved, properly loved, properly loved. But when I am properly loved, itís found to rearrange me. Iím only waiting until I feel those sentiments I know will damn well change me. I have never been properly loved, properly loved, properly loved, because Iíve not been properly loved, Iím lacking an essential. Though the love of a Daddy and a Mommy, three husbands and a brother, it was some pretty good stuff. Oh, itís not that I havenít been loved, I havenít loved enough. No, I have never been properly loved, properly loved, properly loved, one day Iíll be properly loved, though itís mighty hard to suit me. Iíll be a woman warm and kind, a living dolly, love will just transmute me. is the love of a varsity backfield, two admirals and a sailor, it was found pretty good fun. Oh, itís not that I havenít been loved, I havenít been loved by one who makes me feel most properly loved, properly loved, properly loved. But when I am properly loved, Iíll be transformed and suddenly something fine will shine from me, when I am properly loved."

This is Human Nature

So now that we have heard the appropriate complaint about the subject which we will talk about today, I will begin to try to put some stuff on the board, so we will draw a line down, that usually is a good easy way, so weíll put humans up here at the very top. So weíre not talking about anything but humans and over here weíll put girls and over here, boysóthatís all right, we wonít go into men, women, males, females and so forth.

Boys' nature is to be competitive.

So the fundamental nature of boys is to be competitive. Thatís not to say that some ladies arenít competitive, but theyíre competing for a different reason. Mostly the boys are competing to get ahead of another guy somewhere around or whatever be the case. The girls are romantic. I donít know how to spell that, but anyway weíll get it up there. So if you go down to the store and look around, you will see what I mean.

Girls' nature is to be romantic.

Who buys all the gothic novels and the Harlequin novels, you know? (Audience: The girls.) The girls all buy themómen donít ever buy those things and they donít read them.

Who looks at the sports in the news section? Who reads all the sports if you bring the newspaper in the house? Who grabs the sports section? (The boys.) The boys all grab it, right?

Each complains about the other.

So here they go with it. How each of them complains about the other one. The girls complain because the men are so unromantic and theyíve always got their head stuck in the boob tube looking at the ball game or theyíre reading the sport section or what have you. The men are complaining because the women watch soap operas, read a bunch of trashy novelsóall this stupid stuff and they want to go to the movies that has a little of that in it and etc. Each finds fault with the other and neither understands the otherís position. So not understanding, they are in conflict most of the time.

90% of "problems" are about relationships.

Now for some forty years, Iíve been more or less making my living by listening to peopleís problems. I didnít say doing anything about it, but I sure have been listening, and ninety percent of all problems I hear is of that nature.

An example.

No longer ago than this morning, I had a little nine year old girl in here who was in apparently severe agony and pain. But as I inquire a wee bit about it, sheís very romantic about her father which is very natural for a little nine year old girl, I understand, having listened and read many books and so forth. And her father, of course, is all interested in competing, first to earn a living for his family and second to all games and all kinds of sports activities. So when he goes out the door, the little girl screams. Well, now sheís got a way to keep papa home. She has a horrible pain and ailment and if he goes out the door, she cries. So he stays home and heís given up his job to stay with her, but thatís not quite enough--itís still not enough because heís still just staying at the house and heís not patting her or giving her pretty little words and she still doesnít feel romantic enough, so here is a severe illness, totally miserable looking situation to look at, all because neither understands this little situation.

Almost no one understands.

Well, we couldnít expect the little girl to understand this, and we probably would have no hope that her father would understand it, and we could follow though with thousands and thousands of incidents of people.

A little joke.

I used to tell men who complained about paying me fees for looking after their sick wives that if they took proper care of their wife and understood her nature, they wouldnít need to pay me. And heíd say, "Well, whatís that?" and I would give him a little inkling and heíd say, "Oh hell, Iíd rather pay the bill."

A female can aid and abet her desires by approving of gentle competitiveness

So thatís the nature of the thing. The guy didnít understand halfway how much fun heíd have, but you know itís all right, I was glad to take the money. Still am, itís all right with me. So if the female understands that the male has to go through this competitive bitónow it doesnít have to be raw competitive, it can be turned into slightly--if you understand it--somewhat of a creative situation where he creates things, what a man can use. He can create things, he can build things, he doesnít have to be out there flat competing dog-eat-dog with somebody, but if he doesnít understand it, he probably will do that.

Turn competitiveness into creativity.

So few people have learned that maybe thereís a better way of doing things. Maybe why they donít understand their competitive nature, but they have found that they can kind of switch it over into being creative of one sort of another and itís always going to be a little competitive, but it can be a gentle kind of competitiveness, long as we know that itís there. We donít have to have a war every time we turn around.

So if the lady understands that her man has a certain amount of this competitive nature and as I told a lady the other day, if she aided and abetted it, you get along better, but she didnít know what those two words meant and she didnít know to ask me what they meant, so I donít guess sheís done much if it yet, so I will use more simple terms from now on.

How to aid and abet....

Pat him on the back for all his competitive stuff and tell him how nice it is that he goes out and wins ball games and that he caught the biggest fish in the ocean and he drinks more booze in one sitting than anybody else and so forth.

You know they do do that, you know they do have beer-drinking contests where the guy drinks more booze than the other guys. Anything to compete, no matter what it is. So if she kind of gives her approval of his competitiveness, it kind of gives her a little more balanced understanding of whatís going on and possibly will let her be in a position to obtain somewhat what she likes.

Abetting romance is to his advantage.

If the man understands something about the ladyís romantic nature a little bit, he would aid and abet that very decidedly and heíd probably have a lot of fun doing that. But nevertheless he would approve of it instead of finding fault with it, say itís sissy, and all that kind of stuff to be whatever the nature of romance is.

Romance is not "bigger & better," which is just competition. It's lots of little things.

Romance is not always just hearts and flowers, thatís usually a competitive trip that the guyís on to compete with somebody else. He sent a bigger box of candy, a bigger bunch of flowers, he sent two dozen roses, the other guy only sent one, so heís out there competing. So usually whatís called romance to a man is merely another form of competition.

Did you ever get lots of flowers, Joy? (No) Jerks! (He was always competing.) Least they could have done that, is that right? Now maybe some lady here could tell me what she means when she says something is romantic.

Little things mean a lot.

What would be romantic to you, Joy? Having the tables dusted? (No) What would be romantic? Youíve been around a few years. What does it mean? Whether you got it or not, what would you think of? (A lot of things.) Probably all of them little. (Kisses and) appreciation now and then and so forth and so on.

You may have to clue him in.

You remember our friend P. and you remember the fits she used to have because J. didnít do things, he didnít come home and take her out to dinner. She dreamed up all day that her husband was going to come home from work and ask her out to dinner and then sheíd bitch all week because he hadnít and I said, "Well, did you ever tell him you wanted to go to dinner?" "Oh, no, he should know it." You remember that and she finally worn him down and buried him and she got another one and in two months she started the same thing again. She came in telling me and I said, "Listen, P., I donít want to hear a thing about it. I listened to what a bastard J. was for fourteen years because did didnít take you to romantic places every night when he came home from work and you didnít even tell him you wanted to go out. Now youíre starting on this other guy and I donít want to hear anything about it," so sheís mad at me and wonít talk to me any more. But the fact is maybe she could let him know a little bit.

Examples from women.

Whatís romantic to you? (Take a walk through the park.) Little things. (Candlelight.) Whatís to you, Bonnie, youíre in the business. (Well, Iím in business and I find it romantic to do things together.) Okay, such as fight? (no.) No, people fight together Iíve noticed, a lot of them do that. Whatís romantic to you, Becky (A lot of little things.) Theyíre all little, though. But theyíre a lot of little things, but theyíre all laid up to being one big romance, is that right? Okay. How about you? Youíre in the business a little bit. (Consideration.) Consideration, being considerate. All those little things that add up that says somebody thinks a lot of you, is that right? And this is the one that the man usually feels, "That is sissy. She ought to know I like her, I pay the rent." (I told you once today) (laughter) About once a day, that donít quite add up to enough, does it Regina? Okay.

Complementary nature is for the benefit of life.

So now that we have some general inkling of what is meant by getting romantic, and that her nature is to be romantic, now, no doubt, but both of these being here, life in its wisdom provided them both so that life could go on on this planet. Otherwise it probably would have expired years ago even though they donít understand it and fight over it a lot, but can you kind of begin to see that if itís understood and used, it could turn into a very joyous situation around here instead of all this bickering and battering and so forth and maybe Iíll have to hunt up another way to earn a living, but thatís all right with me, Iíd be very happy to. If everybody would go along and purr a little bit, I would fee fine. Iíll find another way to make a living, Iím a pretty good blacksmith as I recall from way back down the road, so Iíd just as soon do that. I could take the hammer anvil and forge and I could come out and make a living some way. Besides that I can do several other things. I can even cook.

Most have never thought of it this way.

So you know, some things we come out with is a way to go. But if each could understand this, I would have very little to do in the usual occupation Iím doing today. Now most of us have never thought that the other side of this little equation "boy-girl" is that they are totally different in nature.

Complementary, not conflicting, when understood.

Now itís a complimentary nature if you put it together with understanding. It is very complimentary. And so if I give attention to the needs of the lady with the romance, then I have become somewhat dual. I have understanding of both the competitive bit and I also understand her direction.

Quaint language: "He's a half-breed," that is, androgynous.

I tell people I get along well with ladies because Iím a half-breed, my mother was a woman, I inherited part of her nature. So I understand them both pretty well and those of you who have read hermetic philosophy--any of you been exposed to that stuff? Okay.

Hermetic philosophy.

Hermetic philosophy talks about the ultimate being as being a hermaphrodite, or a complete integrated person with a full understanding of this and a full understanding of that, the romance and the competitive bit and maybe you could change the competitive bit a little bit into instead of fight-dog-eat-dog, itís into the creative area and so forth.

Both masculine & feminine can be there if allowed.

People will copy understanding behavior; can start a transformation.

So itís where one would be dual. Now as I said in my crude language, I'm a half-breed. My mother was a woman, my father was a man. That means I got a little bit of both of it in there if I will allow it. Hmm? I got room for both of it anyway, but letting it go there, you find that life begins to blossom and Miss Katie Lee wouldnít have her little song to sing.

A woman needs romance to thrive.

So letís see if each of us can understand the other side a little bit. A womanís got to have romance or she doesnít thrive and the romance is as all the girls have said, a lot of little things, none of the great big ones. No "once a year send her two dozen roses on her birthday and a five pound box of candy," you donít need that do you Joy? (no) But you receive something like that sometimes. (Oh yes.) Every now and then and thatís all right, but a lot of little things, especially appreciation, little understanding of the nature and so forth could go a long way, is that right Becky? Okay.

So if we could all do that, we would start a trend. Now thereís a few of us, but every trend is highly contagious. If you start doing it, somebody else is going to copy it in a little bit. They may not understand it, but they copy it. You could see a transformation of human life on this planet very quickly if we only simply understand this and begin to apply it.

Now just "understanding" something is worthless unless we apply it, but it is a lot of fun to apply it. So why not have a good time while youíre at it.

So, now then weíll stop and have questions. Iíve talked long enough, but letís have comments, questions. Regina? (What happens with boys when theyíre younger, they like to kiss and everything and then when they get older...) Well, they got to be macho then, itís contagious you know. Big guys are macho, you know, the woman wants somethingóhell to kiss a woman, you know. A macho guy doesnít think itís nice to kiss womenópush `em over. Go from there. Thatís right. Now little boys are still little girls more or less, not much separation, theyíre still both when theyíre little, both of them are. But they quickly get conditioned to go whole hog one way and it is their nature as they develop more and more and their hormones begin to flow, their nature will come out, okay? (So they donít have the desire for hugging and kissing.) Oh no, they said push you over, why bother with all these preliminaries. (Yeah, that's right.) Day in and day out, huh? (To men itís a bother.) The preliminaries are? Think what fun they are. (I donít see itís a bother) Well, I know, the guys think itís a bother, you know, have to go through all thatócheck up every once in a while to see if youíre moist enough yet and a few things (laughter) You know, if they have to check up, theyíre a dumb ass in my book, but thatís all right. Okay, next question.

(Well that changed a little bit, because now we women are going to have to be competitive) Yeah, but theyíre competitive in a different way. And if they are out in the world working, it goes against the grain, hadnít you noticed? (yeah) Okay. You can do things against your nature, but it irritates you, does it not? Okay.

(What about competing for the spotlight in a group?) Well, just go get it, go get it, but youíre competing for the spotlight because it would bring you romanceóyou hope--and the guyís competing for it because he thinks heíll get a prize of some sort or other, believe it or not, check it out and see, watch it as I put it up today to see this is the fundamental nature of a female, this is the fundamental nature of the male. You watch it a while. Youíll see that it works.

(Thatís supposed to be there?) Of thatís nature, you canít change it, but you can sure use it. Now itís going to be there, itís not conditioning. The way to handle it may be conditioned, but the nature of it is there and youíre not going to change that. So I couldnít get over being competitive, but I can sure tone it town where you donít notice it at all, okay? So Iíll try to make it a little creative and so forth, but thereís a little undertone of the competitive back there, okay?

(But when youíre looking for someone, or you find someone thatís appealing, itís just the way that theyíre competitive.) It might appeal to you, more than likely they appeal to your romantic things, and later when you've kind of gotten involved, you discover that theyíre very competitive and they you start fighting honey, have you noticed that through the years? (Yes) Okay. I think I could even play back a few numbers for you if I needed to, honey, having been in the background an awful lot to straighten out the hassles. Well, I think I could play back a few. It may appear to you because you feel thatís a source of romance that youíre looking for and after you keep him around for a while and they get off their good behavior because theyíre trying to compete with everyone else for your attention, then they come back to pure competition and then (that appears to be the thing youíre attracted to and then that turns out to be the thing that drives you up the wall.) Yeah, I know how that works, Bonnie. I know how it works, Iíve picked up the pieces several times for you, havenít I? (Give them a little rejection and theyíll keep competing?) But they donít get romantic, but they will compete, but you donít want all that stuff. But they do keep doing it.

All right, how about you? (Man: What about when you really enjoy, say from my side, you enjoy getting romantic and getting) Well, it usually works real good for the time being, and all those little things the girls were talking about (and that you donít feel like,, not that youíre expecting any more in return, but youíre not being fed like you want to feed the other person. How long can you go before you feel youíve had enough of it.) I donít know. Itís according to how youíre working on it. (All that whatever you know.) So are you really doing it as a competitive nature. I remember a veryóI wonít go into anything. I remember many long hours of telephone conversations with your brother Jeff over that very thing, is that right?

"Gentle bullets" is competing, not romance.

You were competing and you were using gentle bullets for your competing, but you were ready to kill like hell, didnít you? You were using gentle bullets, but you wanted them to have an effect, is that correct, sir? Okay.

Bonnie, you got it all formulated now? (Oh, I got it out.) Got it out, okay. Any more questions? (Bob, what makes some men soft in nature and some hard?) Well, some of them have been conditioned by their Mama and some more by their father and so forth, but most of them the more weaker, more vulnerable they feel, the tougher they act. Somewhere I read that only the strong can afford to be gentle. One of the numbers you went around with was a very great weakling and acted very tough. So only the strong can afford to be gentle, so if a man treats you gentle, heís fairly strong, but if heís pushing you around pretty hard, you know heís a very big weakling. So weaklings act tough, strong ones always can afford to be very gentle. Okay? (Yeah, I like that.) Okay, hang in there then. Okay [End of talk.]


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